I'll Hold You Always

I'll never hear you laugh,
I'll never hear you cry.
I'll never feel you move inside me.
And I'll always wonder why

I'll never see you smile,
I'll never kiss away your tears.
I'll never hold you when you're scared
Or hug away your fears.

No first smile.
No first steps.
No first word will cross your lips.
No first cry.
No first breath.
Just my heart full of emptiness.

So how do I keep going when you've already gone?
How do I keep living? How do I go on?

The only peace that I have found
Has come from God above:
His promise of togetherness
And everlasting love.

I know that you're my baby,
And that you'll always be.
You're mine forever, no matter what,
My darling Cecily.

So though I've never held you,
I know someday I will.
Our family is forever,
So I'll just hold on until

The day I get to touch you-
Just like you've touched my heart-
To hold you in arms so tight,
Never again to part.

Someday I'll hear your laughter.
Someday I'll hear your cries.
But only tears of joy and love
Will escape your pretty eyes.

Someday I'll see you smile.
Someday through happy tears,
Hope and joy and peace and love
Will replace all my doubts and fears.

Our life together ended
Before it got to start.
I never held you in my arms,
But I'll hold you always in my heart.

Cecily

We lost our baby on April 11, 2010 at nine weeks. I am still heart-broken, but I am coping. I'm learning to dance in the rain.

We decided to name our lost baby, and I have found great comfort in that. I know she won't be forgotten. We don't know if she was a boy or a girl, but we had a feeling that she was a she.

With our boys we didn't officially decide on a name until after they were born, and we had planned on doing the same with this sweet baby. But we did give them nicknames when they were still inside me. We had been calling this baby "sesame seed." We even taught our boys to say it, although it came out as "Sessy." It turned out she didn't grow much bigger than a seed, so the name seems fitting somehow.

But I didn't want that to be her official name. I wanted our baby to have a real name because she was and still is a real baby -- my baby. Sessy was fitting since that is what her brothers call her, but that seemed like a nickname too.

We decided to name her Cecily. It means "blind" which I thought was a little strange for a baby name. Then the phrase "love is blind" came to mind, and I knew her name was perfect. I never saw her, and I never held her, but I'll always love her.

Cecily, your mommy loves you!