Due Date

I've known this day was coming, and yet some how is snuck up on me still. I was listening to Christmas songs this afternoon (yes, I know, a little early), when I stumbled across a favorite song with a new meaning.

Selections from "You would have loved this" by Cori Connors

The greenery is laid across the mantel
And ornaments are hanging on the tree.
And cradled in the windowsill's a candle
A beacon in the night to call you back to me.

You would have loved this, you always loved this,
I know you loved this time of year.

And though I understand one day again I'll see you
I long to touch your hand, hear your voice, feel you.

You would have loved this, you always loved this,
Oh how you loved.


I'm so sad that what should have been our first Christmas together, is our first Christmas apart. I hope you know that as we sing songs and give gifts and remember the birth of our Savior, that you are in our thoughts always. And because of a baby born so long ago in Bethlehem, I get to see you and hold you again.

Seven Months

My dearest baby Cecily,

It's been seven months since you left me and went to Heaven.

I'm a different person than I was before that day. I hope in some ways, I'm a better person. Some days, I'm not so sure. But I'm trying to be strong and good, the kind of mother you'd want me to be.

I still miss you so much, and I think about you every day. But the pain isn't as sharp as it used to be. It is more like a dull ache in my heart for the baby I don't get to hold, at least not now. I hope you know that I miss you and love you.

Love,
Mommy

Missing you

I miss you Cecily. I wish so badly that you were still here with me. I hope that you know how much I love you.

My Bracelet

Your daddy bought me a bracelet. It is just a small silver chain with a heart charm that reads "Cecily 4-11-10." Whenever I wear it, I feel like part of you is with me again. I wear it all the time. I love you Cecily.

my new favorite quote

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

- Winnie the Pooh

Miss You Cecily

I miss you, Cecily. I just wanted you to know that. We have decided to try to grow our family some more, but we could never replace you. You are our baby, and we love you. Every morning when I get up, I think of you. Every prayer I say includes you. Every happy moment we share as a family includes you. Every night as I kiss your brothers good night, I blow a kiss to you and touch it to my heart. Every day I love you more.

I found this quote about rainbow babies:

"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

As we try to conceive our rainbow baby, I just want you to know that you are not forgotten. You are our forever baby.

The Spirit Giveth Life

Just another confirmation that God loves me. The spirit has been whispering for days now that it is time to grow our family again. I pray that I can trust the Lord to help me through the difficult weeks and months ahead of me.

"The Spirit Giveth Life"

In a day of danger or a time of trial, such knowledge, such hope, such understanding brings comfort to the troubled mind and grieving heart. The entire message of the New Testament breathes a spirit of awakening to the human soul. Shadows of despair are dispelled by rays of hope, sorrow yields to joy, and the feeling of being lost in the crowd of life vanishes with the certain knowledge that our Heavenly Father is mindful of each of us.

The Savior provided assurance of this truth when He taught that not even a sparrow shall fall to the ground unnoticed by our Father. He then concluded the beautiful thought by saying,

“Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
“Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven” (see Matt. 10:29–32).

We live in a complex world with daily challenges. There is a tendency to feel detached, even isolated, from the Giver of every good gift. We worry that we walk alone.

From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with the tears of loneliness, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise, “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee” (Josh. 1:5).

Such comfort is priceless as we journey along the pathway of mortality, with its many forks and turnings. Rarely is the assurance communicated by a flashing sign or a loud voice. Rather, the language of the Spirit is gentle, quiet, uplifting to the heart and soothing to the soul.

At times, the answers to our questions and the responses to our daily prayers come to us through silent promptings of the Spirit. As William Cowper wrote:

God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea And rides upon the storm. …
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face. (Hymns, 1948, no. 48)

We watch. We wait. We listen for that still, small voice. When it speaks, wise men and women obey. Promptings of the Spirit are not to be postponed.

-Thomas S. Monson

Finding Hope in New Life

We had a bird nest in a plant outside our front window. I don't know why, but I felt so attached to it. I researched to find out it was a house finch. I even named her. Charlotte seemed like a good name for a bird. Then Charlotte and Reginald (her "husband") had two little eggs in their nest. I was so excited, and I'm not even really sure why. But I longed for them to hatch. I just wanted to see new life I guess. Plus she was going to be a mommy of twins. :)

One day I found an egg on the ground beneath her nest. I was so sad. Why did she have to lose one of her babies? I peeked in the nest again to see if the other was still there. I was surprised to find three eggs in the nest. I guess she laid more. The next day I found another egg on the ground. The first two eggs didn't hatch. Maybe I'm over-relating, but I felt so sad for Charlotte. She lost her babies before they even hatched.

But Charlotte did get to hatch some eggs. The second two hatched, and we named them Royce and Abigail. :) Aren't they cute in a rat-bird kind of way?

Even though I'm not ready to try to have another baby yet, I loved seeing Charlotte get her rainbow babies. In a small way, they are like my rainbows too. They brought me peace and calm after my storm. The baby birds grew up fast, and now all the birds are gone, but I keep the nest there to remind me of the joy and hope I felt when I first saw those new little lives.

I'll Hold You Always

I'll never hear you laugh,
I'll never hear you cry.
I'll never feel you move inside me.
And I'll always wonder why

I'll never see you smile,
I'll never kiss away your tears.
I'll never hold you when you're scared
Or hug away your fears.

No first smile.
No first steps.
No first word will cross your lips.
No first cry.
No first breath.
Just my heart full of emptiness.

So how do I keep going when you've already gone?
How do I keep living? How do I go on?

The only peace that I have found
Has come from God above:
His promise of togetherness
And everlasting love.

I know that you're my baby,
And that you'll always be.
You're mine forever, no matter what,
My darling Cecily.

So though I've never held you,
I know someday I will.
Our family is forever,
So I'll just hold on until

The day I get to touch you-
Just like you've touched my heart-
To hold you in arms so tight,
Never again to part.

Someday I'll hear your laughter.
Someday I'll hear your cries.
But only tears of joy and love
Will escape your pretty eyes.

Someday I'll see you smile.
Someday through happy tears,
Hope and joy and peace and love
Will replace all my doubts and fears.

Our life together ended
Before it got to start.
I never held you in my arms,
But I'll hold you always in my heart.

Cecily

We lost our baby on April 11, 2010 at nine weeks. I am still heart-broken, but I am coping. I'm learning to dance in the rain.

We decided to name our lost baby, and I have found great comfort in that. I know she won't be forgotten. We don't know if she was a boy or a girl, but we had a feeling that she was a she.

With our boys we didn't officially decide on a name until after they were born, and we had planned on doing the same with this sweet baby. But we did give them nicknames when they were still inside me. We had been calling this baby "sesame seed." We even taught our boys to say it, although it came out as "Sessy." It turned out she didn't grow much bigger than a seed, so the name seems fitting somehow.

But I didn't want that to be her official name. I wanted our baby to have a real name because she was and still is a real baby -- my baby. Sessy was fitting since that is what her brothers call her, but that seemed like a nickname too.

We decided to name her Cecily. It means "blind" which I thought was a little strange for a baby name. Then the phrase "love is blind" came to mind, and I knew her name was perfect. I never saw her, and I never held her, but I'll always love her.

Cecily, your mommy loves you!